The True MarySue Two
by Java Green
Summary: Yep...Jules is still going. In this section: ratings, rocks and running
1. Default Chapter

Title: The True Mary-Sue Two

Author: Java Green

Rating: PG-13

Notes: Due to popular demand I'm doing a sequel. 

Apologies: First to Tolkien, second to Cassie Claire, third to the readers for ruining a perfectly good story.

A vision came to me.

I saw two rigid, spiky phallic symbols rising in a dawn of red. I trudged behind a company of three and cursed the fact I was always downwind. 

It must be time for the sequel then.

***Yep, the Java Sue LIVESSSSSS!


	2. Over the plains and look at the rocks

I lay panting in a heap on the ground admiring Aragorn's ass as he was listening to the rock. Legolas stood to my side also admiring the view. 

"They have picked up our scent." Aragorn was commenting as he took to his feet.

"Well, what do you expect with your odor? Aragorn, your smell has developed its own distinct personality at this point. Gimli and mine are not far behind. And Legolasyou aren't smelling so sweet yourself." I got to my feet and began the relentless trudge onward. "Even a fangirl would think twice about jumping into your pants." Though I thought at this point the dirt on Aragorn's pants would allow them to keep walking on their own for several days. We were now quite literally one with Arda. Right down to the grass stains.

"No food, no rest, no sign of our quarry but what bear rock can tell." Gimli said as we climbed over the rock.

"Yeah, and the rock is being a little on the anti-social side. Ooo look! That rock has a bit of green in it! Pretty!"

My three companions had taken to ignoring me for sanity reasons at this point in the journey. We were all tired and cranky and foul to the nose. I was amazed the Uruk-Hai hadn't smelled us earlier. Even the groundhogs were keeping their distance from us at this point. And was it my imagination or was the grass making an effort to point away from our direction?

We ran onwards in our quest to save Merry and Pippin from the agonizing hours of listening to Treebeard talk about his kinky mouse fetish. The ranger moving sure of foot and purpose. The elf dancing over the plains as though he were performing ballet with the land herself. The dwarf ran hard behind, his metal clothing clanking but his determination strong. Then the raged girl with a big stick and a worn, crispy, pointed wizard hat was trudging a ways behind them. Occasionally stopping to point out a rock that was different from the others. "Look! This one is sparkly!" 

So I was bored and tired and really didn't want to run anymore. Can you blame me?

"So tiredneed coffeeyes precccioussse."

I managed to catch up with Gimli since he had fallen down a hill and was momentarily beached. "Och!" I gave him a hand and we climbed the hill together. I had the feeling I would be doing this rather often now he was the comic relief for the movie.

"Coffeeyessss precccioussse we wantsss itsssweeet and black with creamss and sssugar preccioussse."

Gimli glanced to the side at me, "Arrre you alrrright lass?"

I snapped out of my reverie. "eh? OhI want to sit down and go to sleep. And I think it's time for a washroom break. Though I'm sick and tired of wiping with grass."

Gimli made an odd facial expression as he drew to a halt and called out to the others. I heard Aragorn and Legolas pause and come back to us. I went and squatted behind a rock. I had mastered the technique of holding up my tunic and my pants away while I sat there and relieved my bladder and managed not to get any on my boots. I was rather pleased I had mastered this art. Though it still made me rather irate and downright jealous that Aragorn could pee on the run. Literally. He just kept going. Gimli, Legolas and I were all in awe the first time we witnessed this. Gimli and I both had to stop. He actually took longer than I did to get out of several layers of iron undergarments.

I scrounged for some grass. Did my best to be sanitary and pulled up my pants. I walked around the rock again and Aragorn started to run. Legolas was directly behind him. While Gimli and I brought up the rear. Not that I could complain about watching Legolas and Aragorn's muscular, firm, backs in motion. 

As they ran and I trudged a sudden thought occurred to me. It was a deep and profound thought that needed to be shared with the ears of those nearest to me. In this case Gimli. "Do elves get gas? I mean, they must go to the washroomthough I've never seen Legolas take a washroom breakso they must get gas right?"

Gimli looked extremely thoughtful, "Aye lass I should think they would."

"Hmmm."

We ran. Then ran. Then ran some more. Ran. Did a light jog for a bit. Nanced a little. Continued to run. Then I fell over the cursing ball of red hair and rolled down a hill. "Gah! Gimli!"

"Not idly do the leaves of Lothlorien fall," Aragorn was kneeling down investigating the trampled broach that had once rested on pippin's cloak. Legolas approached him and glanced off into the distance. Searching for any sign of the Uruk-Hai and their small captives. 

Gimli and I attempted to untangle his beard from my staff. I was so proud of Pippin. He's such a smart little hobbit! "Gimlito the leftit's caught."

"Lass! I have it wrrrapped arrrround the shaft. You need to use less forrce! You'll break it!"

"Gimli! Put down your axe! You are not hacking my staff!"

"Stop yanking so harrd! I'm not made of methrril!"

"Well stop wiggling so much and relax!"

"How can I rrrelax when you'rre rrramming it back and forrth like a savage?"

"GIMLI! Stand still!"

"Get it out!"

"I can't!"

"It's delicate therrrre from wherrrre the elf was brrrutal last!"

"Sorry! Juststay still and let me twist just a bitit'll come out easier if you relax."

"Don't harrrm the bearrrd!"

We finally managed to get untangled to turn and see Legolas watching us curiously. Aragorn was already running. 

"What?" I asked picking a few stray dwarf hairs from my staff.

Gimli was hugging and petting his beard as well as reassuring it that he would make sure to keep me from it in the future.

"I was simply amused by your words. If my eyes were not upon you and I only but heard the sounds it would seem rather improper a scene." Legolas purred.

"Why must you be sex on legs? Even when you're grungy and smelly I want to jump you. It just isn't fair. MmmmLegosex." I blinked. "Oh crap, I was talking out loud again wasn't I?"

"Yes, child, you were." Legolas purred. 

With that we began to run once more. And for the first time in my life I found myself wishing an odd wish. "I was the only woman for miles around, surrounded by hot men of every type. Yet I still can't get any, you know why? Because all of Middle-Earth is gay. Why couldn't there be no slashwhat am I saying?! I love the slash!"

"What is this thing labeled slash that you speak of?" Legolas' soft voice called from ahead. Damn those ears.

"Erlook! A rock!"

"I have hearrrd you speak of it beforrrre, what is it?"

I sighed in defeat. "Well, where I'm from we like to invent tales. Adventures of angst and love and such."

"Grreat! Nothing beats a good tale overrrr a mug of ale!"

"Umslash is a form of these tales. Only it's usually about the sexual relationship involving two or many, in the case of most of the slash about you guys, men."

We stopped running and I was stared at. Aragorn ran around to stand behind Legolas. Looks were exchanged. Not just looks looks, but 'LOOKS' looks. 

"Oh, come on! I was here for the 'pointless but necessary slash chapter' in part one here! I know you do it! Everyone knows! A group of rugged desperate menalone in the wildernessmale warrior bonding?" I was standing with the hot one, the rugged one and the one that was the right height. They had to see it too. 

Aragorn looked rather uncomfortable, "no knowledge of this could pass to Arwen in any way could it?"

"I deny everrrything!"

Legolas looked intensely stoic as usual.

"Fine, no slash, no sex of any kind. We'll keep this a pg-13. And no, Arwen doesn't know."

"Pg-13?" Inquired Aragorn quietly.

I adjusted my hat. "Shall we continue or can I sit down?"

"She is right Aragorn, we must move on now, we are close to the enemy." Legolas turned his attention to Aragorn who nodded.

We ran. I was actually hoping to sit down. But we ran. Occasionally Gimli would give me words of encouragement as we did so. My brain was numbed and my sides and feet were past aching on into numb. Once or twice Gimli would tell me to breathe steady to keep up. Though I honestly think it was more for his sake than mine. 

"The Balrog had a lot of gas," I commented to pass the time between rocks as the sun rose. 

Legolas paused his face creased with worry as he looked to the sky, "The sun rises red, blood has been spilt this night"

"That was me. I cut my hand on Aragorn's buckle when he used his belt to fish me out of that hole, remember? That was one agitated groundhog." 

"Aye, he took a rrrather imprressive bite out of Arragorrn's ankle too."

"Good thing you had your axe handy Gimster."

"Aye, 't was!"

"Indeed, that groundhog was a fearsome creature to be sure." 

"Why Legolas, is that a bit of sarcasm I detect in your voice? I'm so proud!" I ran over and launched myself onto his back as we ran hugging him happily. He tripped on Gimli and we all fell down a ravine.

"Ow. My ass."

"Och. My leg."

"My ear is in grave discomfort."

"Probably because Gimli's foot is in it."

There was a long pause as we untangled ourselves and assessed the damage. We were tired and worn so accidents tended to happen more frequently. At least that was my excuse, why Legolas was on the ground was a mystery.

"I wonder how long it will take Aragorn to realize we aren't following him?" I asked. ""cause I would like to get out of here and he has the rope."

We waited a rather long time before I had the opportunity that I had longed for. I sniffed the air and looked up the rock side upon the figure looking down at us. The wind snapped his cloak about his shoulders and his dark features stood highlighted in the sunlight. An image of sculptured flesh. Of strength and dignity. I cried out in greeting from the darkness of the chasm below, "man flesh!" Legolas and Gimli laughed.

Aragorn left us down there a few hours longer.

****So ends part one of the True Mary-Sue Two. It's been a while since I've written anything so it'll take time to get my flow back. But I think I've started. Will Gimli fall again? Will Legosex go pee? Will the groundhogs seek revenge on their fallen comrade? I'll have to write and find out.


End file.
